Not a Cat Person- Sorry, Stef

Look, guys, I’m sorry but… Dogs are just way way better pets than Cats. I think its interesting how everyone out there are very strongly on Team Dog or Team Cat- a debate on superiority that beats out even Jacob and Edward.

I have 5 awesome, irrefutable reasons for this!

Well, 3 awesome reasons, 2 that are just okay. But 5 seems more solid.

Listen. Animals are cute. I will admit cats are (in their own way) cute. Repeat, in their own way but, still. Cute. Fine.

If you own more then one cat and are a chick, you are flirting with the line of crazy cat lady. Cats and alone you just smells of the stigmas attached, even if you are normal. It’s not a definition yet though. That will happen when the cats outnumber you.

Here’s the math. You get a point for you, a negative point for each cat. If you end up with negative points, you are a crazy cat lady. 1 to 1, you are fine, neutral so, flirting with the line, but fine. A very scientific, not made up, equation. 

If you have a spouse and family, they each count for 1 point too. So, if you have 3 cats but, a husband/partner and two kids (3 pts for them, one for you), you are fine! You even have a point on your side! Not a crazy cat lady. 5 cats, 3 kids, 1 husband- you are still fine! But you are neutral, which we all know by now means you are wavering with a dangerous line. However, just READING “5 cats” probably gave you a clue to that.

Sadly, if you have 3 cats, and 1 spouse… you are a crazy cat lady.

I feel like if you have 6 cats and no partner, you don’t have to do the math.

However, even if you live alone, in an isolated, sad, lonely, environment and you walk around muttering to yourself but you also happen to have 3 dogs, no one is going to call you “crazy dog lady”.

Probably will call you every other kind of crazy they can think of. But not “dog lady”.

People tend to understand owning lots of dogs. No one questions it when people have even unusually high numbers of dogs in their households. I am talking 4, 6, and litter amounts. I do not know why this is, it just is. Heck, even in all cute dog movies out there, having a family of dogs makes sense and no viewers question it.

Granted, the viewers of dog films tend to be children but, I digress. In all the puppy movies I can think of (from Beethoven to Beverly Hills Chihuahua), the sequels have the original dog, their litter, and a host of other characters who may also be living under one roof.

No one called them crazy. And the woman who took in Lady and the Tramp? She wasn’t called crazy.

Look, just saying, even in Homeward Bound, the dogs outnumber the cats 2-1. Which, considering in that case (or, one could say, most cases of cats and dogs) the dogs are the better, less, annoying characters. If Homeward Bound was about Cats and a dog trying to get home, I doubt it would be recalled as a classic film.

More like that movie with the cats.

Just comparing 101 Dalmatians and The Aristocats, the stigma is clear. The dalmations owners are taking into their home LITERALLY a hundred dogs. That is some serious clean up and demand. And yet, we all just think they are funny and eccentric. The owner in the Aristocats? She is a crazy cat lady. She is exceptionally rich and also exceptionally awesome but, they illustrate this woman to be the epitome of crazy cat lore.

I’m sorry for all of you who are dubbed crazy cat people. Just own the correct ratios and you SHOULD be fine. Just be careful. I hear that liking cats, owning cats, and then becoming a crazy cat lady is a slippery slope.

For those of you who are not Dog people, you should know that Dogs can smile. They can wag their tail, jump on your leg in joy, and open their traps in definite grins.

Dogs can portray a positive emotion.

Look at that girl! Such a goofy smile is impossible for a cat.

Cats just cannot be goofily happy or positive. Cats can definitely not smile, or, maybe, are for the most part unwilling to smile or be anything other than weary of people. They CAN purr. And sometimes, look smug. I still don’t know if purring is legitimately a positive about life thing or just happy that their pet human is doing what they want kind of thing.

Either way, cat smiles do not exist outside of cartoons as far as I know. I honestly do not spend much time with them though so, I could be wrong.

Dogs are trainable. In helpful, life saving, life altering, kinds of ways. This could honestly just be the trump card reason why Dogs are better. They actually make THE WORLD better. They can be trained to do amazing things which, when paired with their instincts to be loyal to their owners, makes them very often animal heroes. Cats can be trained to use a liter box, but so can little toy dogs when properly enforced. I am not impressed.

Dogs lead the blind, do everyday helpful tasks such as open doors or fetch the paper, and save people from disasters such as drowning, fire, and avalanches. They are man’s best friend and actively enjoy being trained to do so. They can even be used to find bombs, drugs, and bodies. A dog is an asset as well as a friend to society.

Cats will actually eat their deceased owners as soon as they turn cold if left alone with the body. Fun fact.

"Stop Thief!"

Dogs are not just good at rescue maneuvers, they can also make great guardians. They will bark when new people enter the house, or in the case of our snippy little dog, when anything or anyone enters the premises. They are a natural alarm system for your house and, if you own a dog, your house is significantly less likely to be burglarized.

Cat’s natural instinct to wander in an aloof manner from room to room is likely to remain in tact/cause them to hide if your home was being robbed by threatening men with bats.

Dogs are just naturally man’s best friend, they should therefore be acknowledged as the best choice of pet. Our family goldens have been known to be so happy and friendly toward all visitors that they would actually not make good alarm systems at all. Moose and Tobes would both probably decide a burglar was their new best friend and try to get cuddled and help them rob us.

Mack, our toy dog, is grouchy and like a cat. He doesn’t like strangers or people very much, just our family. We love him, despite that. I imagine it's similar to how most people love cats. They are small and cute so, their personalities aren't the key players in loving them.

Most Dogs, though, are like our big sloppy goldens. They have a winning personality, one that is fantastic because it is actually a very warm one to be around. Dogs have personalities that, if they were people, you'd actually want to be friends with. Cats have personalities that lead me to think they would be snooty and wouldn't want to get a beer and talk with me, preferring a Chianti and some modern art exhibit. The only cats I have ever liked, I have always said the following about.

“I like them. They have dumb dog eyes.”

This doesn’t mean that Dogs or those specific cats are dumb, it just perfectly describes the look. The look of pure kindness and friendliness as the creature walks up to you, settles in, and decides you are their friend for life since you showed them an ounce of affection.

A personality goes a long, long way. And Dog’s personalities are a majority of happy, personable creatures, whereas Cat’s personalities are mostly aloof, independent, snots. This isn’t the rule, I know a cat my friend Stef has who is perhaps nicer than my dog, Mack. Because her cat is strangely friendly for a feline and Mack is grouchy and old and hates life.

However, as a rule, Dog’s are nicer animals. Which means, WIN!

Go dogs !!

UPDATE: In case those didn't convince you, this will. Coolest animal award for life. 

Literal Snicker- Doodles

I am sometimes as dim as I am clumsy. 

These delicious cookies were made in a panicked moment when I resolved myself to giving up my dream to make the legendary Teen Wolf cookies I'd been planning to make later this month when I THOUGHT the post was due and to instead just make a cookie that WORKED for the movie review I was writing on the cult classic. I had the dates EXTREMELY wrong. My review was due on the 1st. Not the 31st. Start of the month, not the end of the month. Dim bulb in the Christmas tree, that is me.

Oh well. It worked out. Late but, it worked out. Here it is.

And they are delicious so, I guess it's a winning situation. These cookies are to be taken literally. As the movie Teen Wolf is to be taken at face value (it is a movie about a TEEN WOLF for those of you who were unaware), these cookies too are just what their name suggests. Snicker cookies. 

I took a recipe for snickerdoodles and omitted the cinnamon sugar aspects, instead buying 4 king size snicker bars. My awesome roommate chopped 3 of them up for me when I made a batch and had to overcome her need for them to be perfectly chopped for the greater need of her arms wanting to break off. She is a rock star like that sometimes.

I also sliced the 4th snicker bar into pieces I then placed on the dough and allowed to melt onto the cookies surface. I made some cookies with the melty chocolate slices on them and some without- both versions were great! It depends on what youre looking for but, they always tasted JUST like a snickers bar to me.

As you can see, some of my cookies were well done as I tried to figure out the exact timing for baking them. I landed somewhere around 10 minutes but, watch them carefully and make your own time. You want them golden so they stay crisp but chewy, not brittle.

Also, parchment paper is important. With all that chopped up caramel and nougat in the batter, save yourself the scraping of cookie sheets and the heart ache of ruined cookies. 

I think that's about all! Make and enjoy :)

Literal Snicker Doodles

1 c. soft shortening (I did one 1/2c shortening, 1/2c butter)
1 1/2 c. sugar
2 eggs
2 3/4 c. flour
2 tsp. cream of tartar
1 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
3 snicker bars, chopped fine

1 snicker bar, optional, to slice as garnish

Mix shortening, sugar and eggs thoroughly. Mix flour, cream of tartar, soda and salt. Stir all ingredients. Form into balls about a spoonful in size, flatten gently onto a parchment papered cookie sheet. Keep them rather separated, a few of my own spread more then intended and some of them became twins. If garnishing with additional chocolate bar (which I say you SHOULD do), place a slice on the pancaked dough now. Bake at 400 for 8 to 12 minutes.

Bleeding Cylon Cupcakes

These are so geeky, I almost couldn't bear posting them.

I did anyway, obviously.

But these are so exceptionally nerdy, I almost couldn't believe I made them.

Just one more way Battlestar Galactica has made me supremely geeky. 

Okay, so. For those of you who are not nerds. These cupcakes are called "Bleeding Cylon Cupcakes" because, in the show, Cylons are robots that have been engineered and evolved to such an exquiste degree that, they bleed when cut open.

These chocolate raspberry cupcakes also bleed when they are cut open.

Even without the chocolate Cylon, these cupcakes are chocolate raspberry delicious. The simple recipe and yum factor are both a win. 

Hope you enjoy my recipe! With or without the geekiness :)

Bleeding Cupcakes

-1 box cake mix

-1 jar raspberry preserves

-Enough vanilla butter cream to cover a dozen cupcakes, recipe below if you don't have one. But a can from the store will do in a pinch :)

Make the cake according to the boxes directions. Once baked/cooled, cut a portion of the top out, slice out some of the inside of the cupcake, and fill with jam. Generously. Place the top back on. In microwave, melt about 1 tbsp of jam until the consistency of a raspberry syrup. Brush over the tops of the cupcakes, sealing the cut out tops in place. Place in fridge for 30 mins- 1 hr. 

Add some raspberry jam to your icing to flavor it with a slight raspberry taste and some pretty seeds. I also added some bright food color for a proper "Cylon pink guts" color but, that's unnecessary, just fun. When cupcakes are set, remove from fridge and frost with icing. Top with nerdy chocolate Cylon if you so desire. Serve and enjoy :)

To make some Cylons: melt chocolate chips in a ziploc in your microwave. When melted, cut off the tip of the ziploc, pipe onto wax paper in the shape of the Cylon's helmet. Using gel frostings (I got metallic ones at the store) pipe the specifics of the helmet, including the red sensor beam. 

Very important, ha.

To make butter cream icing: 

-1 package powdered sugar (16 ounces)
-1/2 cup butter, softened (1 stick)
-3 tablespoons milk
-2 teaspoons vanilla

Beat sugar, butter, milk and vanilla with electric mixer at low speed until well blended and smooth. If frosting becomes too thick, beat in additional milk by teaspoonfuls until the frosting is of spreading consistency.


Update: Featured on Cupcakes take the cake! Amazing :)

http://cupcakestakethecake.blogspot.com/2011/03/bleeding-cylon-chocolate-raspberry.html

No Cupcake Pan? Make Carrot Cake Cookies!

These cookies are simple, delicious, and, as far as I can tell, extremely well received. The recipe is from my Aunt and, while the icing and cute little carrots are optional, I always encourage to go for the extra flourish because! Details are where things pay off. And, while the recipe calls for a boxed cake and you can use canned icing, if you want to get fancier, you should try making your own cream cheese icing.

Carrot Cake Cookies

-1 Box Carrot Cake Mix

-1 Egg

-1/2 Cup Oil

-1/2 Cup Walnuts (Chopped)

-1 Can Cream Cheese Icing

Mix all ingredients, (excluding the icing can). Roll dough into spoonful sized balls, bake on cookie sheet at 350 for 8 to 10 minutes. Let cool completely, and ice. To ice with ease, scoop icing into small ziploc baggie and cut a small incision into the corner of the bag. Sometimes, I pipe on just a simple white swirl. But most otherwise, like as pictured, I tend to ice the cookies with the good old fashioned smear method and then pipe on with ziplocs some of the frosting dyed and placed into baggies. Either way and any way you decide to go, try to avoid putting on too much icing. Don't want to over-sweeten the delicious taste of carrot cake.

In other options with this recipe, you can make German Chocolate Cake cookies by just making the recipe with German Cake Mix and Coconut Pecan Icing. Or Funfetti Cookies with Funfetti Mix and Vanilla Icing. I like to use this recipe essentially for cupcakes when I don't feel like cleaning a cupcake pan. Delicious, cute and small. Plus, super easy for us clutzies! Woohoo :)

Green Queen Gets Pierced

When I was 16 years old, I did an exchange program that I didn’t realize would end up changing my life. It’s funny how insignificant things can become so huge like that.

That summer between my sophomore and junior year of high school, a girl from Northern Ireland came and stayed with my family and I for a month and, along with a bunch of other American and Irish students, we discussed some of the political and religious issues within the country.

And also, goofed off a lot and spent a summer doing insanely awesome things. Like theme parks, ball games, trips into Chicago, and countless other activities on top of the usual summer schedule.

The girl who was placed with me is still an exceptionally close friend of mine, Aisling. She was extremely quiet and shy at first, being careful and silent around me and my family, even when asked direct questions.

To be fair, she was also jet lagged. However, once I got her to come out of her shell (in case this hasn’t translated so far, I am NOT shy. I think I talked at her for 4 days before she could even get a word in so, that’s partly my fault), she REALLY came out. Man, understatement of the year.

We went shopping one day. And holy cow, KIND OF liked green is the understatement of life.

My green queen went from shy, sensibly dressed, brown haired babe to a chatterbox with new, mostly green, punked out clothing, and purple hair. I may or may not have had purple hair too…

We looked awesome, don’t even worry about it.

Even when the fuchsia flash went from purple to peach, we still were rocking out.

Anyway, once she was at ease with me, it was instant friendship. More like, instant soul mate. We keep in touch, and are even married on facebook (which we all know means a LOT). Since that first summer, we’ve spent 4 more summer adventures together. Pretty good, considering the oceans apart and the costs of tickets on student budgets. Aisling and I have hundreds of zany stories together but, this post is about the time we both went to get our ears pierced with my mom.

As I mentioned, we were feeling rather punky that summer and we wanted to get our ears double pierced to keep the personality flowing. We planned to go to Claire’s to get it taken care of and were about to go ourselves when we realized the flaw in our plan. I was 16 at the time, Aisling 15. We had to have a parent sign their approval for any piercings. And one of our parents was in Ireland. Cue begging and plans for lying.

The plan was set. My mom called Aisling’s mom to make sure that she was okay with Aisling getting piercings. Once that was done, we got ready to go to Claire’s. Aisling could do a really great American accent so, she was going to pretend to be my sister. Which, for those of you who don’t think there is such a thing as an American accent, you’re ridiculous. Although, contrary to a lot of the Irish kid’s  American accents I’ve heard, we aren’t ALL nasally, dumb, or harsh in tone.

As fantastic it always is to have that portrayal.

As we rode to the Claire’s, Aisling was carefully rehearsing her flattering accent as my mom and I just kept repeating “just don’t talk too much”.

Once we were there, everything was going pretty great. They didn’t ask to see our student id’s or licenses or whatever so, Aisling was just accepted to be my mom’s kid. My mom signed our waivers as we picked out earrings and Aisling was even convincingly chatting with the piercers with success, (or at least no questioning looks). However, when I got my ears done, Aisling seemed to go a bit paler than normal.

Which is hard since, being from Ireland, she tended to be so pale she reflected light.

She got slightly shakey, turned even slightly green at the gills. She was sitting down at her chair when I took her hand encouragingly and she gave me a weak smile in return. We both hadn’t had piercings done since we were in our single digits. Although they were pointless, nerves are nerves.

And being as obviously nervous as she was, her piercer couldn’t not ask if she was “feeling okay, hun?”

I was laughing so hard, I had to leave the store. Aisling emerged shortly there after with freshly pierced ears and my mother, who was also in hysterics. To this day, the panicked and nasally “I’m finnnne!” is still used to taunt my exceptionally un-stealthy Irish pal.  

Cherry Glazed Sugar Cookies

Okay. So. I wanted to post these today for... well, today. 

Happy Presidents Day! Here is a recipe involving cherries, ha.

I didn't get time to upload them from my camera and then things were just kind of... happening. and the day was suddenly gone. No cherry post. 

My apologies. My cousin even pointed out the lack of President Themed food to which I could only moan about grand intentions that never occurred. 

These are simple, delicious, sugar cookies that my family usually makes and presses sugar into them before they bake, therefore we usually make them without any icing. However, I decided to make a cherry glaze for them and therefore skipped the sugar sprinkled at the end. 

These cookies are buttery, chewy, and spectacular. With sugar, or with icing. I am pretty sure I could eat an entire tray of them. I am pretty sure I may have, actually. They are so addicting, it cannot be avoided. 

In conclusion- make these. Make these tomorrow. They are amazing, you will love them and wish you'd been making them for years. And I have been making these for years. 

Cherry Glaze

-Confectioners Sugar

-Cherry Juice (from Maraschino Cherry jar)

Pour sugar into bowl, slowly add juice until it is consistency you prefer. Could be dense, icing. Or runny, glaze. 

Sugar Cookies

-1 cup butter

-1/2 cup powdered sugar

-1/2 cup sugar

-1 egg

-1/2 teaspoon vanilla

-2 1/4 cup all purpose flour

-1/2 tsp cream of tartar

-1/2 tsp baking soda

-Sugar to sprinkle prior to baking, (if desired/if not making icing/glaze)

Heat oven to 375. Combine butter and sugars. Beat until creamy. Add egg and vanilla, mix. Reduce beater speed to low and add flour, cream of tartar, and baking soda. Beat until dough becomes a ball. Shape into spoonful/1inch round balls. Place on cookie sheets, flatten now with a glass to about 1/2 inch. IF ADDING SUGAR, dip the glass in water and then sugar (so bottom has sugar stuck to it) and THEN press the dough. If not, use a clean, round, glass when pressing dough. Bake for 7-9 mins. Let cool for 1 min, then remove from cookie sheets and allow to cool completely prior to any icing/glaze. 

Enjoy :)

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Make Your Own Fruit Roll Ups

I know! I too was surprised that you could make your own fruit roll ups with ease! I stumbled upon (literally, stumbledupon.com'd) this recipe.

I'll tell you right now, Shania makes it look easy. And simple. And kind of beautiful.

And these are just fruit roll ups. It shouldn't be so intriguing.

And yet, I found myself buying an insane amount of fruit and rolling out the parchment paper to make them.

Now, this blog is called "Clutzy Cooking" for a reason. Namely that I am a complete mess sometimes. And this recipe, this was one of those times. I covered myself, my counters, and my beautiful new food processor (which was, by the way, the best gift ever!!), in pink goo.

Sticky pink goo. Sticky pink goo that stains.

My OCD personality was seriously disturbed by this entire fiasco but, once everything was cleaned up and the cookie sheets were in the oven, I was back to optimistic about my results.

Well, oops.

My oven doesn't have the low settings this recipe calls for in order to dehydrate the fruit puree. You need to set your oven to 150-180 and allow it to bake in the warmth all day. My oven had two settings, "WM" which I am guessing means "warm" and "200" which was past the maximum temperature of 180 by rather a lot.

I decided to set it between the two. Needle middling between "WM" and "200".

Allow me to be the expert to tell you that doing this will cause you to burn your fruit roll ups at the 4 hour mark. Which is about half as long as they are supposed to bake.

See how my roll ups didn't exactly roll right? That's because they got too stiff and burnt. Breaking into brittle shards in some places.

FAIL.

My friends still loved them though, even if I couldn't face the food failure. They even took leftovers home! So, for those of you who know how to follow recipes (which I don't apparently) and who won't make a mess (which I always do), you should try this out! The idea is extremely fun and, when executed correctly, a smashing success. Which is the reason I decided to post them, even if mine are less than ideal. Well, and the fact that my friends were begging for the recipe. Funny sometimes how even what we see as huge flops, other people find little victories in :)

Make & Enjoy <3

Rolled Fruit Leather

4 cups fruit (apples, pears, peaches, apricots)
1/2 cup water
1 tablespoon honey or agave syrup  (optional)
1 teaspoon lemon juice

Peel and dice the fruit, removing all seeds (unless you’re using berries, like I was. Then, don't be crazy. Keep the seeds). Add diced fruit and water to a stockpot and bring to a boil. Add in lemon juice and honey. Reduce heat to medium-low and continue cooking until fruit is cooked through and can easily be mashed. Using a stick blender or carefully pouring the cooked fruit into a stand blender/processor, puree the fruit until smooth. On a parchment-lined cookie sheet or dehydrator tray, thinly spread out the puree between 1/8″ and 1/4″ thick. Bake at the lowest oven temperature (150-180 degrees F) for 8-10 hours or according to the manufacturer’s directions in your dehydrator. Fruit should not be sticky enough to stick to you and grab on when touched. Remove cookie sheets from oven and allow to cool slightly. Roll up from one end to the other depending on the kinds of rolls you’d like. For Fruit-By-the-Foot-style rolls, roll from short end to short end and cut 1″ pieces off the roll. For Fruit Roll-Up-style rolls, roll the long end and cut 3-4″ rolls off the large roll.

This recipe is fun and should be treated as such! But if you're a clutz like me, just be careful. You don't want your treats to turn out more leather then fruit and more mess then fun like mine did.

*UPDATE* So, while I am not anxious to try this again, I found this cooking blog with a great tutorial on how to make fruit leather roll ups and maybe NOT be a disaster like me. For all of you looking, I encourage checking it out and maybe deciding on a batch modified between her recipe and the one I shared here. Thanks for commenting, all of you, and making me feel less like a foodie flop! You are all lovely people :)