Saturday, March 5, 2011

Not a Cat Person- Sorry, Stef

Look, guys, I’m sorry but… Dogs are just way way better pets than Cats. I think its interesting how everyone out there are very strongly on Team Dog or Team Cat- a debate on superiority that beats out even Jacob and Edward.

I have 5 awesome, irrefutable reasons for this!
Well, 3 awesome reasons, 2 that are just okay. But 5 seems more solid.

Listen. Animals are cute. I will admit cats are (in their own way) cute. Repeat, in their own way but, still. Cute. Fine.

If you own more then one cat and are a chick, you are flirting with the line of crazy cat lady. Cats and alone you just smells of the stigmas attached, even if you are normal. It’s not a definition yet though. That will happen when the cats outnumber you.

Here’s the math. You get a point for you, a negative point for each cat. If you end up with negative points, you are a crazy cat lady. 1 to 1, you are fine, neutral so, flirting with the line, but fine. A very scientific, not made up, equation. 

If you have a spouse and family, they each count for 1 point too. So, if you have 3 cats but, a husband/partner and two kids (3 pts for them, one for you), you are fine! You even have a point on your side! Not a crazy cat lady. 5 cats, 3 kids, 1 husband- you are still fine! But you are neutral, which we all know by now means you are wavering with a dangerous line. However, just READING “5 cats” probably gave you a clue to that.

Sadly, if you have 3 cats, and 1 spouse… you are a crazy cat lady.

I feel like if you have 6 cats and no partner, you don’t have to do the math.

However, even if you live alone, in an isolated, sad, lonely, environment and you walk around muttering to yourself but you also happen to have 3 dogs, no one is going to call you “crazy dog lady”.

Probably will call you every other kind of crazy they can think of. But not “dog lady”.

People tend to understand owning lots of dogs. No one questions it when people have even unusually high numbers of dogs in their households. I am talking 4, 6, and litter amounts. I do not know why this is, it just is. Heck, even in all cute dog movies out there, having a family of dogs makes sense and no viewers question it.

Granted, the viewers of dog films tend to be children but, I digress. In all the puppy movies I can think of (from Beethoven to Beverly Hills Chihuahua), the sequels have the original dog, their litter, and a host of other characters who may also be living under one roof.

No one called them crazy. And the woman who took in Lady and the Tramp? She wasn’t called crazy.

Look, just saying, even in Homeward Bound, the dogs outnumber the cats 2-1. Which, considering in that case (or, one could say, most cases of cats and dogs) the dogs are the better, less, annoying characters. If Homeward Bound was about Cats and a dog trying to get home, I doubt it would be recalled as a classic film.

More like that movie with the cats.

Just comparing 101 Dalmatians and The Aristocats, the stigma is clear. The dalmations owners are taking into their home LITERALLY a hundred dogs. That is some serious clean up and demand. And yet, we all just think they are funny and eccentric. The owner in the Aristocats? She is a crazy cat lady. She is exceptionally rich and also exceptionally awesome but, they illustrate this woman to be the epitome of crazy cat lore.

I’m sorry for all of you who are dubbed crazy cat people. Just own the correct ratios and you SHOULD be fine. Just be careful. I hear that liking cats, owning cats, and then becoming a crazy cat lady is a slippery slope.

For those of you who are not Dog people, you should know that Dogs can smile. They can wag their tail, jump on your leg in joy, and open their traps in definite grins.

Dogs can portray a positive emotion.

Look at that girl! Such a goofy smile is impossible for a cat.

Cats just cannot be goofily happy or positive. Cats can definitely not smile, or, maybe, are for the most part unwilling to smile or be anything other than weary of people. They CAN purr. And sometimes, look smug. I still don’t know if purring is legitimately a positive about life thing or just happy that their pet human is doing what they want kind of thing.

Either way, cat smiles do not exist outside of cartoons as far as I know. I honestly do not spend much time with them though so, I could be wrong.

Dogs are trainable. In helpful, life saving, life altering, kinds of ways. This could honestly just be the trump card reason why Dogs are better. They actually make THE WORLD better. They can be trained to do amazing things which, when paired with their instincts to be loyal to their owners, makes them very often animal heroes. Cats can be trained to use a liter box, but so can little toy dogs when properly enforced. I am not impressed.

Dogs lead the blind, do everyday helpful tasks such as open doors or fetch the paper, and save people from disasters such as drowning, fire, and avalanches. They are man’s best friend and actively enjoy being trained to do so. They can even be used to find bombs, drugs, and bodies. A dog is an asset as well as a friend to society.

Cats will actually eat their deceased owners as soon as they turn cold if left alone with the body. Fun fact.

"Stop Thief!"
Dogs are not just good at rescue maneuvers, they can also make great guardians. They will bark when new people enter the house, or in the case of our snippy little dog, when anything or anyone enters the premises. They are a natural alarm system for your house and, if you own a dog, your house is significantly less likely to be burglarized.

Cat’s natural instinct to wander in an aloof manner from room to room is likely to remain in tact/cause them to hide if your home was being robbed by threatening men with bats.

Dogs are just naturally man’s best friend, they should therefore be acknowledged as the best choice of pet. Our family goldens have been known to be so happy and friendly toward all visitors that they would actually not make good alarm systems at all. Moose and Tobes would both probably decide a burglar was their new best friend and try to get cuddled and help them rob us.

Mack, our toy dog, is grouchy and like a cat. He doesn’t like strangers or people very much, just our family. We love him, despite that. I imagine it's similar to how most people love cats. They are small and cute so, their personalities aren't the key players in loving them.

Most Dogs, though, are like our big sloppy goldens. They have a winning personality, one that is fantastic because it is actually a very warm one to be around. Dogs have personalities that, if they were people, you'd actually want to be friends with. Cats have personalities that lead me to think they would be snooty and wouldn't want to get a beer and talk with me, preferring a Chianti and some modern art exhibit. The only cats I have ever liked, I have always said the following about.

“I like them. They have dumb dog eyes.”

This doesn’t mean that Dogs or those specific cats are dumb, it just perfectly describes the look. The look of pure kindness and friendliness as the creature walks up to you, settles in, and decides you are their friend for life since you showed them an ounce of affection.

A personality goes a long, long way. And Dog’s personalities are a majority of happy, personable creatures, whereas Cat’s personalities are mostly aloof, independent, snots. This isn’t the rule, I know a cat my friend Stef has who is perhaps nicer than my dog, Mack. Because her cat is strangely friendly for a feline and Mack is grouchy and old and hates life.

However, as a rule, Dog’s are nicer animals. Which means, WIN!

Go dogs !!

UPDATE: In case those didn't convince you, this will. Coolest animal award for life. 

1 comment:

  1. I agree 100%. Cats are cute and all but they scratch, bite and make me sneeze lol.

    My dogs win! :)